Category: Parent Talk
I got this from the New York times dated 3/16/08
NOT long ago, friends of mine confessed over dinner that they had put spyware on their 15-year-old son’s computer so they could monitor all he did online.
At first I was repelled at this invasion of privacy. Now, after doing a fair amount of research, I get it.
Make no mistake: If you put spyware on your computer, you have the ability to log every keystroke your child makes and thus a good portion of his or her
private world. That’s what spyware is — at least the parental monitoring kind. You don’t have to be an expert to put it on your computer. You just download
the software from a vendor and you will receive reports — weekly, daily, whatever — showing you everything your child is doing on the machine.
Scary. But a good idea. Most parents won’t even consider it.
Maybe it’s the word: spyware. It brings up associations of Dick Cheney sitting in a dark room, rubbing his hands together and reading your most private
thoughts. But this isn’t the government we are talking about — this is your family. It’s a mistake to confuse the two. Loving parents are doing the surveillance
here, not faceless bureaucrats. And most parents already monitor their children, watching over their home environment, their school.
Today’s overprotective parents fight their kids’ battles on the playground, berate coaches about playing time and fill out college applications — yet when
it comes to chatting with pedophiles or watching beheadings or gambling away their entire life savings, then...
then
their children deserve independence?
Some will say that you should simply trust your child, that if he is old enough to go on the Internet he is old enough to know the dangers. Trust is one
thing, but surrendering parental responsibility to a machine that allows the entire world access to your home borders on negligence.
Some will say that it’s better just to use parental blocks that deny access to risky sites. I have found that they don’t work. Children know how to get
around them. But more than that — and this is where it gets tough — I want to know what’s being said in e-mail and instant messages and in chat rooms.
There are two reasons for this. First, we’ve all read about the young boy unknowingly conversing with a pedophile or the girl who was cyberbullied to the
point where she committed suicide. Would a watchful eye have helped? We rely in the real world on teachers and parents to guard against bullies — do we
just dismiss bullying on the Internet and all it entails because we are entering difficult ethical ground?
Second, everything your child types can already be seen by the world — teachers, potential employers, friends, neighbors, future dates. Shouldn’t he learn
now that the Internet is not a haven of privacy?
One of the most popular arguments against spyware is the claim that you are reading your teenager’s every thought, that in today’s world, a computer is
the little key-locked diary of the past. But posting thoughts on the Internet isn’t the same thing as hiding them under your mattress. Maybe you should
buy your children one of those little key-locked diaries so that they too can understand the difference.
Am I suggesting eavesdropping on every conversation? No. With new technology comes new responsibility. That works both ways. There is a fine line between
being responsibly protective and irresponsibly nosy. You shouldn’t monitor to find out if your daughter’s friend has a crush on Kevin next door or that
Mrs. Peterson gives too much homework or what schoolmate snubbed your son. You are there to start conversations and to be a safety net. To borrow from
the national intelligence lexicon — and yes, that’s uncomfortable — you’re listening for dangerous chatter.
Will your teenagers find other ways of communicating to their friends when they realize you may be watching? Yes. But text messages and cellphones don’t
offer the anonymity and danger of the Internet. They are usually one-on-one with someone you know. It is far easier for a predator to troll chat rooms
and MySpace and Facebook.
There will be tough calls. If your 16-year-old son, for example, is visiting hardcore pornography sites, what do you do? When I was 16, we looked at Playboy
centerfolds and read Penthouse Forum. You may argue that’s not the same thing, that Internet pornography makes that stuff seem about as harmful as “SpongeBob.”
And you’re probably right. But in my day, that’s all you could get. If something more graphic had been out there, we probably would have gone for it. Interest
in those, um, topics is natural. So start a dialogue based on that knowledge. You should have that talk anyway, but now you can have it with some kind
of context.
Parenting has never been for the faint of heart. One friend of mine, using spyware to monitor his college-bound, straight-A daughter, found out that not
only was she using drugs but she was sleeping with her dealer. He wisely took a deep breath before confronting her. Then he decided to come clean, to let
her know how he had found out, to speak with her about the dangers inherent in her behavior. He’d had these conversations before, of course, but this time
he had context. She listened. There was no anger. Things seem better now.
Our knee-jerk reaction as freedom-loving Americans is to be suspicious of anything that hints at invasion of privacy. That’s a good and noble thing. But
it’s not an absolute, particularly in the face of the new and evolving challenges presented by the Internet. And particularly when it comes to our children.
Do you tell your children that the spyware is on the computer? I side with yes, but it might be enough to show them this article, have a discussion about
your concerns and let them know the possibility is there.
This was written by Harlin Coben
Absolutely not!!! I would never do that to my kids. Besides, if they're my kids, they'll have antispyware software on their computers, be shown how to use it, and remove the spytware anyway. But that's not the point. Kids want to be trusted... I want to rust my kids. And who the hell decides what "dangerous chatter" is? We'd become less like parents and more like our government, who says they're spying for our own protection. I don't buy that line, either...
Well. I'm no parent--in fact I'm only 13--but I have to agree here with the last poster. The idea of installing keyloggers--or hell, having a keylogger on this machine here being sent downstairs just seems... Wrong. And plus, I know what to do and not to, but not all do. So, do what my parents did and just teach your kids of the dangers of the internet. And also, it's kinda disturbing to find out that what I'm typing now would be whisked off somewhere. In my opinion, the idea is just wrong and if I ever found out that there was a keylogger on any box I use, I would feel very upset. To me, this seems as if parents are "spying" on their kids and that's not right at all.
I have to agree with braille note nut, and poster 2, sorry I don't know how to spell your name, and I'm too lazy to go look it up. :) I am 16, and if I found out that my parents had put spyware on this machine, I would either ask y, or find it, remove it, and then ask y they had done it. I too think its like spying on your children.
If I ever have kids I will put monitoring software on there computer, especially when they are younger. I will inform them of this, and as they get older I won't monitor nearly as much. As a blind parrent I can't look at there screen as I walk buy so need other ways to monitor there activities, especially when they are younger.
agreed with roman battle mask on this one. the internet is a dangerous place for young children these days. key loggers all the way for the younger kids, and then take the monitoring off gradually as they get older.
no, i disagree with the last 2 posts. i'm not a parent yet, but think of it this way. you want to know what your daughter or son is saying about you so, you just click on the file, and zip. you know all there is to know about what they say. sudenly you get angry and ground your kid. the kid will one, know he or she's being spied on, and 2 won't trust the parent anymore. anyways, if some tried to slip something like that on me, it would be gone before they got one word worth of anything i do.
Well, to one of the posters who declared they couldn't see the screen as they walk by, neither can my parents. But they're sited. So now your thinking, wait, how is that possible? Well, in windows live messenger it is possible, with messenger plus. msgpluslive.net
You basically push one button and bam, messenger is locked. so if there is no keylogging, hopefully, on this box, and if I say something I dont want them to view, ctrl space and its gone. I know, a bit secretive, but oh well...
hmmm I do agree with the putting something on when they are younger, and removing it once they get older. That, I do agree with.
children need to know bounderies. they don't know enough about bounderies these days. basically, the internet is like letting your kid out the front door on their own, and if they can't be trusted on the street at age 5 or whatever, why do some agree with letting them on the net at that age with no monitoring.
To post 9. Suppose, yes that's useable, but I'd like, if it were me, to be aware that, hey, my parent installed a keylogger,screen capturer, etc onto the box. I think they should be told that, and when they get older, have it removed.
Just my thoughts
this kind of thing would only get people who don't know much about computers. if the kid knows a lot about computers stuff like that doesn't stand a chance.
That's true.
Yeah, those content blockers or filters aren't really that good. First of all, my mom doesnt know much about security, and really, well I had to do it like this because I needed to use IE. We had CompuServe dialup about 2 years ago. Well, turns out my account, musicproandy@cs.com (which, by the way. works no longer, so bash it all you want.).
So thinking it was my account, because I couldnt get into IE. I signed in with my mom's account cuz the password was already filled in. I know, I know. Rude and sneaky, and I admit it. However. The CompuServe browser didn't work with jaws at all. So i had to log into CompuServe then go to IE and was fine. There's no parental controls on IE, or at least that I know about, or if there are you can disable them. But anyways, that's how I got around it.
So. yeah...
That assumes the parrents arn't smart. I'd set up an actual desktop computer with packet sniffing software in a locked cage so the kid wouldn't have access to what was doing the actual monitoring.
how about setting up a pc with limited account for the children. that way you can install keylogger software and they can't uninstall it without your password.
that might work if the kid isn't computer savvy, but my friend had a limited account and got in to the admin account on his school machine. schools usually have better security than home pcs do. plus, what's the number of parents that know enough about computers to stop the kids today. there are some people younger than me that know more than i do, and i plan to go in to a degree in computers.